Golf Truisms

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
   ~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
   ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
   ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
   ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them
   ~ Kevin Costner

I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par..
   ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
   ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
   ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
   ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
   ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
   ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
   ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best
   ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.
   ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
   ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf..
   ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
   ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
   ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
   ~ Lee Trevino

I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
   ~ Lee Trevino

For Golfers

 
                           In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
                          White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
                           Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
                           This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
 
                           By Its Size I Could  Not Guess,
                           The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
                           But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
                           I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of  Hell.
 
                           My Life Has Not Been  Quite The Same,
                           Since I Chose To Play  This Stupid Game.
                           It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
                           A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
 
                           It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
                           I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
                           It Promises A Thing Called  Par,
                           If I Can Hit It Straight And  Far.
 
                          To Master Such A Tiny  Ball,
                           Should  Not Be Very Hard At  All.
                           But My Desires The  Ball Refuses,
                           And Does Exactly As It  Chooses.
 
                           It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
                           And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
                           Often It Will Have A  Whim,
                           To Hit A Tree OrTake A Swim.
 
                           With Miles Of Grass On  Which To Land,
                           It Finds A Tiny Patch Of  Sand.
                           Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
                           If Only It Would Find The  Hole.
 
                           It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
                           And Swear That I Will Give It  Up.
                           And Take To Drink To Ease My  Sorrow,
                           But The Ball  Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow